Small Town Observations

As I'm sure I've mentioned elsewhere in these blogs, I've lived in the same small town that I grew up in all of my life. I didn't intend for it to happen this way. As a young man in my early 20s I had an incredible desire to leave my small town and have some life experiences. What happened you might ask? Well, at first I was afraid to leave and venture out into the great wide open with little to no marketable skills. It didn't help matters that my father threw cold water on the idea of my leaving any time I would bring it up. Looking back on things, I now realize that it was my father who was the scared one. He was afraid of my leaving because he hates to travel and most likely would not have come to visit. Especially if I had moved to Southern California, which is where I wanted to go in the first place. I mean, if you're any sort of serious movie fan, and I always was, then you simply have to go to where the movie business is. Instead of going and living out my dreams, I became romantically involved with someone, got married, and watched the dream of my marriage eventually turn to dust. Meanwhile, my father got what he wanted. I stayed behind and I've never been no more than a twenty minute drive from him in the last 13 years. I fathered two wonderful children along the way, whom I love very dearly. Now they live 80 miles away with my ex wife. I live in a typical, lonely guy, one bedroom apartment. I have traded in my hopes and dreams somewhere along life's highway for this life of solitude in my smalltown. My town offers little to no opportunity in the career department or in the romance department. I suppose that's why I've held mostly disappointing, menial jobs that I'm overqualified for during the last 15 years or so. Not all of them have been bad but none have been what you could call fullfilling. They pay the bills and that's it. Well paying, dead end jobs. And of course, I shouldn't even mention the fact that I haven't had a date for the last year. Need I say anymore about that. For someone who has so much to offer a good woman that's a real shame. The pain of the disappointment in my life is so intense that it's the first thing that strikes me when I get out of bed. I seem to always wake up with a sinking feeling. I feel absolutely powerless to change my situation because changing things might limit the amount of quality time I can spend with my children. My children come first and foremost and so I've learned to live with the pain of disappointment, unfulfilling jobs, a family that doesn't understand me, and a love life that's a joke as a trade off for my two beautiful children. Still, the pain is too much sometimes and I don't know who to turn to or where to go. I pray every day that someone special might come into my life so I might have one to share my life with but nothing ever changes. My life just seems like an endless journey to nowhere most of the time but I'm still thankful for what I do have. I'm just curious to see if it will ever change.

I'll talk more about life in the typical small town and why it's not for me next time.